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Friday, July 23, 2004
 
This will be a post of rants...

Been tinking recently , does my behaviour let others conclude tht i am a ah lian or used to be an ahlian ? And why so ? It is becoz of mi always saying wht i feel ? Or is it becoz of mi always nt behaving like a lady ? Or is it becoz, i can be very guai lan .. yes i knw sometimes mi beri XL and GL ( XL = xia lan , GL = guai lan ) , but so ? Is tht mean or bitchy thus others assume that i am an ahlian ? I mean i like behaving me , doing wht i wan , do wht i tink is correct and properly ... is tht consider a behaviour of an ahlian ?
I do admit, i am tactless at times, and i can be crude and callous . I might not be able to articulate as well as before nor spell as well as before . BUT BELIEVE MI, i am every ounce of an intelluctual INDIVIDUAL ~!!!!
yes i knw, and i agree that my actions can be tend considered as weird .. and i do tok to myself out loud at times .. and yes i hve a bad temper .. and YES AGAIN, i am rude and opinionated and CYNICAL !!! but tht only merely means that i like to make myself known and my opinions told  ... IS THT WRONG !!! IS IT MORALLY BAD OR IMPROPER FOR A GIRL TO SWEAR OUT LOUD ... iS THt to be consider an behaviour of an ahlian ... ARGHZZZ .. i am so insulted .
It is so typical of ppl den to accept mi .. esp durin the time i was in sec 3/4 .. i do not knw or understand y i was alienated by them .. i mean yes i knw my behaviour is something tht they do not experienced or knw of .. but at least i was true to myself .. and real .. so y did y judge mi or even so spread rumours of mi ? tht was one of my darkest moments .. being so alienated except for some individuals who appreciate who i was and still do .. tht i knw of and really thankful of

can anyone pls explain to mi how and why ppl perceive mi as an ex-ahlian or even still an ahlian  .. PLS .. thk u

Anyway, waitressing is really tiring .. but luckily able to get ride home from one of my colleagues .. but he beri xia lan le ... touchy here n there .. almost wan to slap him ar ... bloody hell hongkies ... anyway once we had a supper tok with all of us there, we tok about virginity ...
I out of an sudden have tis thinking tht virginity shouldnt be given to some1 u tink u love.

Why ? you might be wondering right now ..

Well my explaination or my rationale is that if you were to give it to tht individual and in the end, u guys really split up .. den u will regret your decision den .. and feel upset abt it .. thus i do not encourage you guys or girls give it to some1 tht u tink u really loved or etc ..
( which btw , no i am not tellin u whether am i still a virgin or does the topic related to my experiences or not .. so i am not telling .. but juz to clarify , if i did give my virginity to some1 tht i thot i loved, i will not regret tht decision .. thus yup .. but if i am still a virgin now, i will stick to my new motto )
Yes i knw my new logic is flawed .. but still in a way , it makes sense * at least to me and yes i KNW I AM WEIRD * But go tink abt it, if you were to regret tht decision of givin ur virginity to some1 u lost and loved .. u will be ultimately hurt .. thus y not give it to some1 and enjox tht moments and not regret tht decision .. at least u get the pleasure and no guilt n no regrets ..
hahaah funnie how i came out this theory ..

Finally ending to this post , i went to my session on thurs .. i finally got to knw the reason ..
i realise i always only able to flare my temper up to those tht are really close to mi .. e.g my ex-es and my family ... i always dun understand y ? thus i asked .. my cousellor den replied ... becoz of ur intimacy with them and sense of security with them .. thus u knw when u lose ur temper, u will still be safe .. tht explains why i only able to lose my temper to those tht i loved bah ..
tht i really need to change ... and to mellow down my anger tht used to rise easily .. well waitressin really does hlp bah ... to kenna abuse by others and thus tolerence level grows up ..
hopefully .. tht is ...

* Marriage represents  the union of Love. And a ring is used to hold tht promise for it has no ending to the union  .... *


[ - 雯'§ - ] penning down @ 7/23/2004 07:43:00 PM

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sans amour .. mir ist einsam.....






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