Thursday, July 15, 2004
I juz came back home frm a couselling session at our sch doc ...
i went there voluntarily .. coz i couldnt control my emotions ..
durin the cousellin session, i said a lot of things .. tellin my woes to her , a total stranger ....... blurting out all the thots i hve in mind .. all the concerns i had
i din realise tht all those factors had somehow added up to wht i feel and all
and my character ... i am a cheerful person, i do crack up jokes here n there .. i do enjox ppl with sense of humour , i do like to take care of my frenz , i take note of wht they like and if i could i would help them or concern abt the issues concerning them and i do a lot of toopid things ..
but yet, i distance myself a lot frm others ... i dun allow myself to be too close to an individual, even i might knw them for yrs ... i onli tell them the things tht i tink they are comfortable with and nt sayin things tht is nt within their range ... i knw tis above sentence might hurt .. but it is wht i see myself den ... tinkin n feelin ..
I hve many secrets .. and few of them knew them .. and yet the secrets are only told to some individuals/grps ... but yet being concealed to other individuals/grps. i actually said "no one really fully understands mi or knw mi perfectly " ... i knw it is wrong to say tht .. but at tht pt, i really thot so ... i felt that i behave like a typical loner ... is tht mi ?
I always seems to keep things within my heart .. suppressing them .. restrainin them .. keep into control .. even when i was with alan, i dun seems to be able to tell him anything on wht was bothering mi truely .. wht was my thots truly .. it was like i was really never mi ... and i might be frustrated by tht .. thus the bad temper ... and to reflect that, i always said i wan to be me ... but the actual fact is tht i always hide the real me inside .. and nt saying wht i had went through .. or even to say things that i really believed and thot of ... and when all things juz go out of hand all out of a sudden ... i couldnt managed as well as i thought i could ..
Its a string of matters that keep takes troll of mi .. all in a shot ... n i couldnt take it .. i keep burdenin myself with thoughts .. i keep lettin myself down .. i was depressed ..and couldnt get out of it .. during the session, i cried non-stop ..
i was badly affected by all ...
i tok abt the issue btw the family issue with my dad and my granny which was really bad and my mum's recent accident incident , i tok abt my assignments , i tok abt my matter with cin den ... it seems tht no one knws much of all these tht was happening in my life .. But the thing is, i never like to bother ppl abt my real probs .. probs that are haunting in my heart .. coz every1 has their own issues with life .. and me too .. y burden others ... but yet it isnt rite ... e.g. i never mention much even to alan abt my dad's problem within the family .. i oni told him once and never told him my recurring thots abt it .. i keep suppressing it away in me .. and now everything went out of hand ...
Judy *my cousellor* asked mi to go back nxt week .. maybe by den i might be better ? i am not sure .. thing is, i had more understanding abt myself .. actually i do understand myself .. but yet to come face to face to it, it juz became clearer .
i do love alan .. though it is over .. i still do ...
* dedicated to him ( though he does nt read it )
sorry alan, i knw i been a terrible gf ..
1st nt tellin u my true thots and feelings, or probs tht i do face yet i expect u to .. 2nd i was indeed affect by jack for his remoteness on the relationship we had , thus i expected a lot frm u ..
3rd my temper for being so frustrated easily and losing tht main pt that i love u .. and i should take it and learn to accept who u r ..
4th hurting u by being so tactless which actually i do treasure the keychains ..juz tht at tht pt, i wanted more and was greedy
5th for bringin u painful memories on us being together ..
6th for nt being with u when u needed my support in ur work ..
7th nt kisin ur lips more, for ur tender lips is being missed ,
8th nt leaning ur shoulders enuff , for it was the safest place tht i ever been in and it was a perfectt match for mi den ...
9th nt having more hugs frm u , for it makes mi feel so close to u ... and ur bear hugs, it so suffocating ( pun intended )
10th on lovin u ... becoz if i hve nt accepted u , u wouldnt be hurt .. but i never regretted being with u nor do i regretted loving u .. becoz tht relationship did touched a chord in my heart and made mi knw tht it was really love .. n i still do love u
i am sorry .....
[ - 雯'§ - ]
penning down @
7/15/2004 12:07:00 PM
sans amour .. mir ist einsam.....