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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
 
I dunnoe what to do ...

the memories .. they filled my mind ... poppin up at the least expected ... i doin my best to use my logical thots to block him out .. tryin to convince is that of his inconsiderate behaviour ... i am hurt by the breakup .. he was hurt b4 by my actions... i juz couldnt .. in the back of my mind, the nagging thots was tht it wasnt .. it was me .. me ...... me me mee !!!!!!!!! in fact, when i tried to convience myself, tht another thot(suggested by some1) came into my mind ..
" Maybe it(breakup) was planned, but he juz wan to drag things till my exams are over. But den becoz of circumstances , he had to push it forward."

I couldnt lie to myself .. the guilt .. and the misery of losing someone impt is overwhelming ... makin mi breatheless .... suffocating mi .. making myself plunging into darkness ...

Fact is tht he is gone .. i need to move on ... but move on .. to ?
everything is so vague .. foggy ... i am so cluelesss ...

Even while praying , even while i am chanting my sutra .. i could become teary ...
teary of him .. teary of the mistakes i committed .. i dunnoe how many tears i shedded .. i dunnoe how many nights was spent lost ... i dunnoe how many days i went by, feeling void in me ... i dunnoe how long do i need to put on a charade ... I dunnoe how long will it be for my nxt breakdown .....

when he last called, i so missed him .... i cried ... i was in a state of shock when he called .. his gentleness in his voice .. him ... with tht i feel a sharp pain in my heart ... tht he is lost .... gone frm my life . After tht call, i had a breakdown .
i really did ... i called jovy , he was doin his best to calm me down ... but at no avail ... he tried tokkin sense to me ... its of no use ... i juz couldnt control my emotions .. i juz kept crying .. at a pt, he even came over to check whether am i alrite .. but all i can do is to crowd at a corner .. daze but yet crying uncontrollably ... even for now , tears juz streamed across my face with a mind of their own ...

probably by now, he is okie ... probably by now, he is happy .. probably by now, he has a new target ... probably by now, his memories of us are all gone .. probably by now, his mind is fill with nothing of me ... probably ...
i knw a lot of ppl will tell mi, and tht .. how would it matter ? how would it concern u ? Why make urself suffer ? why go through such thing ? Why are u so silly ..

tht y i ran ... i ran .. i ran as far as i could .. but still, memories haunt mi ... so badly .. tormenting my mind , soul and body ... my tears juz slowly rising and fell ....

i can oni lie to myself .. day by day ..
tellin myself tht everything is an illusion .. everything is juz a dream .. it lingers .. making myself rather to to believe that hazy relationship was becoz of us being lonely at tht moments of us brushing by each other's side ...

I know i can hide my emtions .. I am puttin a mask for every1 .. and not being nagged at to move on .. but i can only see myself crowded at a corner ...........
i knw a lot of my friends and even ppl tht reads my blog are givin mi encouragement ..
thing is .. i dunnoe how to heed it ...

but still i thank you all .....



[ - 雯'§ - ] penning down @ 7/14/2004 07:20:00 AM

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sans amour .. mir ist einsam.....






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