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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
 
i knw i haben been updating my bloggie for a very long time ...

a lot of things happened recently and been thinking a lot .

recently a lot haben been going right for mi, maybe it is the time for a new change.

for example, my hard disk crashed .. paid like 200 bucks for it .. everything tht was b4, was gone .. maybe tht symbolize something ... something about my life .. tht something tht i rely on has crashed too ...

i lost a relationship with a guy, he was the guy i was with for like close to 2 yrs .... know him since i was in poly, tht was when i am 17. now i am 22 .. he was a part of my life, frm an accquintance , frenz, close frenz till a guy tht i had emotions attached to ... b4 tht i had juz broken up with a guy whom he dumped mi for another.. i was weak ... and got to knw more about him. the more i knw him, the more emotions i had for him ... but yet in the end, i committed a lot of mistakes within it ... and he chose to end the emotional relationship within us ...

i was in a wreck , in fact i still am ... when i was very unsafe and unable to trust any guy for a relationship , he appeared .. he let mi feel safe, secure ... i hve to say i require a lot of security frm a guy ... and he provided tht. I thk him for tht .. thank you for adoring mi, loving mi .. thank you for a great time, even with ups and downs .. i would always tink of the good times we had ... he said b4 i actually do remembered venegence, but actually no i dun .. i actually was juz refering to the past arguements we had .. it is up to him to believe or not ...

been tokkin to my bro these days, like wht i was told .. maybe he was not mature enuff to handle it, coz it is juz his 1st relationship. he wasnt ready to accept the downs which a lot of bgr couples been past .. but oni focusing on the hurt tht i am responsible with .. it wasnt his fault , but both of us had committed fault .. him on adoring mi too much , tht went out of hand and him enduring too much of shit of mi and not making it an issue.( but tht is him bah ) me being adored by him too much and did not appreciate or reapprociate it and not making a balance out of it.i knw he did replied and said tht we still can be frenz .. but a part of mi was hurt by his actions, no matter how much i still love him. i cant be his fren , nt becoz i was hurt by him. but not being able to love him or hve his love, is hard ... is painful. some even told mi, "u should at least be frenz with him, coz in tht way, maybe in the future we might still have a chance " .. but being a pessimist of mi, i dun believe tht, coz even if tht happen, i wouldnt feel tht kind of security or safeness tht was b4. it is a irony how much tht i love him, but yet i cant be his frenz .. it is not abt being nobel or anything or anything tht ppl tink it might be ... but more of, it would be much more tortureous for mi to be in love with him yet forcing myself to face tht "fren" kind of situation , day by day ... loving someone is hard, loving someone who doesnt love you is even harder .. nt tht i dun love him enuff to, but more of the love i feel now is hurting mi ... so many memories ... though he hurt mi by his last actions, still i chose to remember the happy times .. maybe by the time, i get over the whole time, i might be frenz with him, but tht will only be an diff start bah.

a lot of ppl tell mi "life goes on, time will heal" ... i knw tht .. who doesnt, hell i use tht to console my frenz as well .. but still now it is painful .. sayin is easy, putting into action is hard .. but still would like to say thks to the ppl tht consoled mi, though it isnt working .. still thks ...

love is a strange thing , only when it is gone . it is being missed .
- sonya -


[ - 雯'§ - ] penning down @ 6/16/2004 11:08:00 PM

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sans amour .. mir ist einsam.....






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